Returning Us To Life
by bethanyhallen
Summary: For a while it was the image of her face he held on to. He could close his eyes and a million versions of it would play across his mind. Beckett standing in front of him and flashing her badge for the first time, Becket smiling at him over a take-out cup of coffee, Kate moaning and gasping beneath him, her hair fanning out over blue sheets.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: They aren't mine, though if they were...anyway.

**A/N**: I am not a writer, I just do it for fun. Also, because sometimes I get these ideas in my head, much like this one, that just will not leave me alone. So I hope you like this, I hope you like where I am going to take you! Please forgive any and all mistakes because this hasn't been Beta'd

* * *

They find him a month to the day.

A lot of things happen in a month, he's never thought otherwise. Things that change you, break you, make you a new person.

He is different. Will most likely never be the same. He's known dark before, he's been dark before. He is a wordsmith, he knows...he knows words. But there isn't one for what he has experienced in the past thirty days.

He knows he wasn't just stumbled upon by the NYPD, knows that he has been nothing but a pawn in this little game between them and the man who he will forever credit with changing him. Turning the man he was into the man he is now; empty, broken.

For a while it was the image of her face he held on to. He could close his eyes and a million versions of it would play across his mind. Beckett standing in front of him and flashing her badge for the first time, Beckett smiling at him over a take-out cup of coffee, Kate moaning and gasping beneath him, her hair fanning out over blue sheets.

She was the closest and all he will ever know of heaven.

She was his.

He didn't own her no because as much as she was his, he was hers as well.

He never thought that he didn't deserve her, never thought that she was too good for him. No.

They were equals.

Thirty days.

Thirty days to change everything that was going to be into everything that will never be.

"Castle!" He hears one of the many voices yelling his name and knowing exactly who it belongs to.

He won't answer her. Not even the gun digging into his side will persuade him to do so. The footsteps he can hear getting closer tells him he doesn't need to.

"Kate, if you want your boy you keep them all out! Just you and only you, I may not prefer the color red but I will gladly paint the walls in this room with his blood if someone else tries to come in." Tyson screams into the dark of the room.

There's a heavy silence that fills the air for seconds only before she answers.

"Fine. Just me, but I need to know he's here and alive, Tyson."

"Answer her," Tyson breathes into his ear.

He won't do it. But the gun in his side digs deeper and he can feel his ribs practically cracking under the pressure.

"Oh, god…Beckett, no. No, stay out there."

It's not what Tyson wants so Castle ends up with the butt of the gun meeting the side of his head.

"Now, come on Kate. You heard him. Shall we get this over with, uh?"

She comes through the door, gun drawn because he never said anything about leaving her weapon behind.

It's fast after that.

It's over and the only thing Castle is clear on is the sound of Kate yelling at him to stand down and the look on her face. Fear or terror he can't tell the difference.

Because she watched him.

She watched him kill a man.

Castle isn't surprised by the look. He just killed Jerry Tyson with his bare hands.

She watches Castle back away from the lifeless body of Jerry Tyson. Watches as he falls to his knees in the corner of the room. Kate goes to him and kneels down to be on the same level, reaches out slowly doing her best not to startle him, wants to touch any part of him. Just get his skin under her hands. Just as her palm finds his cheek Castle grabs her wrist using that grasp to pull her away, looking right into her eyes, shaking his head 'no' without uttering a word.

* * *

They load him into the back of an ambulance. Castle is aware there has been blood loss, he is malnourished and he has no idea what he has been injected with on numerous occasions. He requests to go alone.

He sees the tears in her eyes as the EMT closes the rear ambulance doors.

He cares, he cares and that's why he can't let her near him again.

She can watch him kill a serial killer, a man who has done more damage than either of them will ever know. Eventually, Kate will see him as the same man he always was. But how will she look at him, see him, after she discovers that Jerry Tyson isn't his only victim.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything...If you only knew how true that statement was.

**A/N**: I want to say thank you to the people who reviewed the first chapter. Especially the guest reviewer WendyB, that was probably one of the greatest things I have ever been told. To the people who followed, I hope you continue to enjoy it!

* * *

There are clues to what he has been through, what Tyson has subjected him to; still there are so many things left to discover. The videos and composition books now being tagged as evidence would hopefully leave some clues about what Castle had fully experienced in the thirty days he was held captive.

At least that's what Kate was praying for.

She wasn't a religious person but of course she believed.

"Detective Beckett, we need a full statement regarding what happened when you entered that room," FBI agent Heishman says, finally bringing her out of her own mind. Still standing in the same place she had been when the ambulance had taken Castle away.

"Sure, let's get it over with," she answers.

It takes less than twenty minutes to give her statement. After all, she walked in and it was over before she even grasped what was happening. What strikes her as odd wasn't that Castle had fought Tyson; it was that Castle wasn't restrained in any way. There were no ropes, no handcuffs, nothing. The pieces just don't fit or make sense in her mind.

But they have Castle now.

She has Castle now.

She gets the okay to leave the scene and does so. CSU is still pouring over the property; Jerry Tyson's body is now zipped into a plastic bag and is on its way to the morgue. Though they are far from their own jurisdiction, they are still in New York and with the mayor calling in a few favors he manages to keep the precinct in the investigation. Meaning Lanie will be the one examining the body. Kate is thankful; Lanie's is the only word she would trust at the moment. Because a month ago even Kate thought the man was long dead.

* * *

Upon her arrival at the hospital they don't permit her to see Castle, there are tests being ran and he's being evaluated. She leaves her card for the nurse at the desk in the emergency room. Tells her as soon as something is known she would like to speak with his doctor.

This is worse, this is worse because he is so close to her. He's in the building and she isn't able to see him. She wants to see him, the few minuets they got at the crime scene wasn't enough for her. Wasn't enough in the slightest. Kate needs to know that he is breathing, that he is warm and safe. He may not want her around; his behavior in the short time they were together was proof of that.

She needs him.

It is hours before Castle's doctor seeks her out to apprise her of his condition, she's more than ready.

"Detective Beckett," he starts, reaching to shake her hand. "I'm Dr. Freeland, I understand that Mr. Castle has been through quite the ordeal. His physical appearance alone speaks for its self. That's not even factoring in the blood tests."

There's more, she knows there's more.

The doctor motions to a couple of chairs in the far corner of the waiting room before continuing.

"I understand that Mr. Castle has been held captive for a time? One of the uniforms that accompanied him filled me in a little."

"Yes, so we aren't certain what he's been subject to in that time. He was kidnapped a month ago; there is no saying what he's actually suffered." There are tears in her eyes, she's trying to keep her emotions in check…she's not succeeding.

"Well, the physical...the physical is easy to treat. We have him hooked up to an IV getting his fluids in check. His electrolytes are low, he's very dehydrated. We are also giving him some antibiotics to fight an infection he's had for a while it seems. I've also prescribed an antiviral. He's been injected multiple times, and I just want to be sure if the needle was a dirty one, all of our bases are covered. Though we have tested him for hepatitis, HIV and AIDS, all of which were negative, for now we are anticipating the unforeseen," Dr. Freeland takes a break, giving Kate a moment to take in the information she's just been given.

"Just what exactly has he been injected with?" She asks, she wants to know and she doesn't want to know.

"Right now there are different levels of a few separate drugs. There is a high level of Scopolomine along with Halcyn. There is also trace amounts of LSD in his system. Are you familiar with these drugs or what they are capable of?"

She is slightly; she knows LSD knows what it is capable of. She vaguely remembers a case involving Scopolomine, remembers that it enabled someone to persuade another man to commit murder. The Halcyn she hasn't heard of. Doesn't know what all three together suggests.

"Being exposed to these drugs separately is one issue, but together…," he trails off, "The LSD is of course used for is psychological effects, the altered thinking process, it's usually not injected but of course if the person ingesting the drug is an unwilling participant then there are ways to inject it. The Scopolomine is a drug used for its hypnotic properties, a truth serum used for its power of suggestion. The last drug, Halcyn, has a few different uses but its main use is blocking explicit memories. Now we don't know what this means. Unless there is some light you could shed, which would be helpful, we must wait until they are completely out of his system."

"We have our officers collecting evidence at the scene. I'll know more when that's complete," she tells him. She doesn't have anything else.

"Alright Detective," he stands to walk away.

"Wait, Dr. Freeland, can I see him? Is that a possibility?" Kate asks, breath held, waiting for an answer.

He looks at the floor, before looking back at her and answering, "He's asked not to have visitors, Detective. This doesn't include the officers that he arrived with, which I am told, will be with him until he's released, orders coming from an FBI agent Heishman," he says and then turns and leaves.

She deflates, even more if that's possible.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: Still don't own them.

**A/N:** I hope you that are reading and following this story are still with me :)

Castle waits three days before he lets visitors see him. He spoke with Alexis and his mother the day after he was rescued, but no one has seen him per his request, not since the ambulance doors and been closed between him and Kate.

He isn't doing it to be heartless; he's missed her and his family more than he will let himself comprehend. He wants to make sure the wall he is building between him and everyone else is strong and unyielding before he faces any of them. They're going to walk away from him when they find out the truth, so why doesn't he make the process easier on himself before that happens.

Distance will save him.

After three days the FBI makes their way to him. Of course he's been waiting on them, his body however has demanded rest, needing to heal from the ordeal he's survived.

"Mr. Castle, I am Agent Heishman with the FBI, this is Agent Reed," the tall balding man says, while gesturing to the shorter younger gentleman, "we have a few questions for you. That is only if you're feeling up to answering them?"

He doesn't, but nods in the affirmative.

The two men make their way to the hospital chairs beside Castle's bed.

"Mr. Castle, we understand that on the evening of May 12th your Mercedes was involved in an accident resulting in your apparent abduction, is this true?"

"Yes, I was run off the road by an SUV, apparently being driven by Jerry Tyson. I must have hit my head because when I came to, I was out of the car, in the SUV. I watched as he set my car on fire…made the scene look much worse than it was." Castle answers.

"Can you give us any details about that day or the days following your abduction?" Agent Heishman asks, while Reed just observes the conversation.

"There isn't much I recall, at least from the first few days. He kept me sedated mostly, I know there was another person there…Neiman, Kelly Neiman."

"Yes, we found Dr. Neiman's body not far from where you were being held in," Agent Reed finally speaks.

Castle's stomach twists slightly. He isn't going to ask how she had died, he already knows. He nods in understanding and continues.

"After a few days, he started telling me of all the plans he had, for me. Began sharing details of each of his murders, the how more than the why, he had answered the 'why' before; it was the planning he loved…" Castle's voice trails off.

The Agents give him a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing.

"Mr. Castle did he ever tell you why he targeted you? We are aware of the background you share with Jerry Tyson, you and Detective Beckett. Did he ever tell you why he was so fixated on you specifically?"

"I have always assumed it was because I spoiled his plans. The first time we met, I discovered who he actually was before he could disappear again. He told me once that he was going to take everything away from me, when he tried to frame me for the murder he committed close to two years ago, he didn't succeed that time. He wanted to make good on his threat. Which he did, he's taken it all away and there's nothing I can do to change that. Tyson also asked me years ago when our paths first crossed, how close to death I had to come, he wanted the answer I guess. He got that too," he finishes on a whisper.

"Mr. Castle are you referring to your involvement in Jerry Tyson's death?" Agent Heisman asks, not following Castle.

"I killed him, I am sure you've heard Detective Beckett's account of events."

"Yes, we have, and we do have questions about why you acted when our officers were in place to take Tyson down. Why at that moment, did you feel you had kill Tyson after it was clear there was a team on the grounds to rescue you?"

Castle doesn't answer right away. Takes a few breaths to steady himself so his words are heard, he wants to repeat this as few times as possible.

"He let Detective Beckett in the room with us…He let her in because he wanted her dead."

"Tyson had planned on killing Detective Beckett when she entered that room?" Agent Reed speaks up again, his voice low not to startle Castle. "Did he want you to watch what he was going to do to her, Mr. Castle?" They were all aware of the relationship between him and the Detective and were well aware that Tyson would use the love that they shared against them.

"No…no, he wanted…" the words won't come out at once; they take their time, "What he wanted was to watch while I did it."

The Agents are silent.

"So when she came in…I just acted. I never want to hurt her in any way, ever," he knows there are tears coming. He doesn't care. "It was so hard not to act on it though…Tyson tried to make sure that I wouldn't be able to act on my own free will. Gave me something to make it…JUST SO DAMN HARD NOT TO ACT ON IT!" He screams into the room. He covers his face with his hands, sobbing into them.

A nurse knocks on the door to ensure that her patient is okay. She leaves the room at Castle's insistence.

He gets himself under control as much as he can and begins again."I wanted to, but I didn't. I took everything, everything I felt inside out on Tyson and even then…even after I knew he was dead, I could feel the want to deep inside."

"Are you still feeling this way Mr. Castle?" Genuine concern filling the older Agents voice. He's watched the Detective over the last weeks, seen how deeply she cares for the man in front of him. Knows exactly the toll this past month has taken on her.

"God, no! Never, she's…she's just everything. She's everything, the love of my life."

Both agents stand, obviously calling their meeting to an end.

"Mr. Castle, it seems from your actions, the evidence that we have gathered in the past three days and from your statement we can only conclude that you acted out of self-defense. Of course we will need an official statement from you when you're released," Agent Heishman says, trying to wrap things up with Castle.

He drops his gaze to his hands folded on top of the blanket across his lap.

"But…What about the others?"

"The others?" Agent Reed asks.

"The others…I mean…You found the other bodies right? Not just Neimans….You found the others, the ones I…" he can't finish. He lets the Agents draw their own conclusion.

When the Agents come to stand closer to the foot of his bed, he knows they've understood.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: Don't own'em

**A/N**: I really can't thank those of you who have reviewed enough. They kinda make me happy. I know there are mistakes and sadly I do not have a beta so thank you for excusing me of those! Please keep reading!

* * *

Kate has read for hours upon hours it seems, she takes a look around the room and knows that she has. The room is empty of most of the officers who have been there through the day. Tyson wrote a lot…and that's putting it mildly. He was fanatical with details, she is thankful for that. The composition books and the videos all hold so much information. Hours of footage had been shot and currently Ryan and Esposito were tasked with watching it.

For now they're at the local police station, commandeered by the FBI and her team of course, three hours out of Manhattan. Thirty days away and he was three hours away. Knowing how close he had been after all just makes her angrier at herself, at Tyson. They should have found him sooner. Tyson knew they wouldn't though, he knew exactly when law enforcement would find their way to him.

She stands from the chair she's occupied for most of the day, with Castle refusing to see her or anyone for that matter; she hadn't the need to leave the station the whole day. Making her way to the break room she catches a glimpse of the TV screen in the connecting room where Espo and Ryan have the video equipment set up in. Thankfully, it was only the image of Castle sleeping, it seemed. Kate turned away before focus was shifted to anything she wasn't ready to see.

Also, why she wasn't the officer going over the content of the videos found at the scene.

Seeing Castle mistreated, mistreated is how she has thought of it, because she can't think the word tortured, at the hands of Tyson…Footage of that is not something she is in the state of mind to see. Not now. Not after thinking that he had died in that car for two days, not after a month of letting her own mind play out gruesome scenarios on its own. Call her weak but she's always been weak where Castle is concerned.

Her need to know wins out in the end, she doesn't look but she does step into the interior of the room, eyes looking anywhere but the screen in front of her.

"Anything?" she asks the boys, not moving any further than just inside the door.

Esposito presses pause on the remote and the video stills.

"Most of the first video, which covers the first seventy-eight hours, is basically Castle sleeping; we've got both Tyson and Neiman on camera injecting him with something. The second, it gets a little more creepy. There is Tyson, somewhere off camera dictating previous murders, taunting Castle it seems," Ryan dives in explaining what they've seen so far.

"You getting anywhere with the reading?" Javi asks.

"Large portions of what I have read through are things we already know, that Tyson was the one who orchestrated the events in the days leading up to the wedding. The research on the drugs given to Castle and the correct dosage of each, not only so they wouldn't overdose him, but also to make sure he did what was needed of him."

It sickens her to know that she still doesn't know what that may have been but knows she's close to finding out just what that was.

"Isn't it strange that there is this evidence, writings and video, that he just so happen to have. I mean Tyson was meticulous in his previous crimes. Never any evidence left behind besides the M.O. but now we have all of this," Ryan says, motioning to the screen in front of him, "to just pour over. I mean, Tyson and Neiman, documenting their crime?"

Kate has asked herself that a hundred times. Why would they do that? She doesn't know if there will be an answer to that, not with both of them dead. She isn't sure she even wants the answer.

"Maybe the answer is, they were just freaking crazy, huh? You think that is a good enough answer bro? Because it's enough for me, let's just be thankful that we've got something to go on," Javi says.

His answer does make her smile.

"Well, I was on my way to the break room. Gonna get a cup of tea and get back to it," she tells them and moves to leave the room.

It's at that moment Agents Heisman and Reed enter the station. They've been with Castle; she had wanted to join them but wanted to also respect his wishes about not having visitors. She can tell by the look on their faces, the meeting didn't go quite as they had imagined.

"We've got a problem." Agent Heishman says making his way to her.

"What?" she asks.

The boys are now standing behind her, wanting information for themselves but also to be there for Kate.

"Why don't we sit down," Reed suggests.

She doesn't want to be 'handled' and she knows that is exactly what Reed is doing to her.

She shoots him a look that tells him she's just fine standing, just fine where she is.

"Just say it," she says.

"It seems that Mr. Castle, may have committed a crime, while in captivity. Granted we don't have the evidence to support his confession, but we do have to investigate under the assumption that what he's saying is true," Heishman explains.

"What crime would that be, Agent?" She hears Ryan ask. And she's thankful because her stomach is already tied in knots.

"Mr. Castle confessed to murder, multiple murders to be exact."

And just like that everything around her goes dark.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Don't own them.

A/N: Not a very long chapter but wanted to get something out there, I've had a very busy few days and there is no end in sight! But hope those of you who are reading enjoy it and please forgive me my mistakes because I have no beta. If you feel like it please leave a review letting me know what sucks and what doesn't, lol. Enjoy!

* * *

If it is possible things begin to slow and speed up at the same time, it's both the loudest thing she's ever heard and the quietest whisper in her ear.

Castle confessed to being a murderer.

Ryan notices her knees weakening before the others and ushers her to a nearby chair.

"Detective, are you alright?" Heishman asks after she's seated.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am okay just…I knew there was something else coming. Just…Murder? He's confessing to murder?"

The world rights itself, finally stops shifting in front of her; everything coming into focus.

"That's right detective. But like I said, there was no evidence that we discovered on site that would corroborate his account of events."

There's that, at least there is that and she is thankful.

"The video," Javi speaks up, "that's what there for!"

"You're saying he recorded the murders?" Agent Reed asks.

"I'm saying that if there is any evidence that Castle did…" because he can't say murder, "what he's claiming to have done, then the answer is on the tapes."

It only takes a minute for Kate to jump back into action.

"Then we need more people on those tapes, I need someone else on the journals with me. By morning and no later, no later than visiting hours tomorrow, we will have answers for him. He didn't do this; he didn't do what he thinks…it isn't possible. I don't care who had him...there's no way."

"Detective Beckett," Heishman starts, but the look on her face, her unfailing faith in her fiancé she wears so freely, tells him she isn't to be deterred.

Agent Heishman has extra equipment brought in and a few more field agents make their way to the station. With the work load divided between them and the extra hands they have it takes only a few hours before they have their answers.

* * *

She's nervous, the butterflies almost too much to take as the elevator doors open to his floor. He still doesn't want to see her. She's here on official business; it's out of his hands in the end.

She knocks three times and enters when he doesn't answer her.

But he's there sitting up in bed, focusing his attention to the small window to the left of him, not acknowledging that someone just walked into his room, let alone her.

"Castle," she says to him, voice lowered not to startle him.

His focus never falters from the window.

"Rick," she tries again, voice slightly louder than before, taking a step closer to the bed. It takes her hand on the back of his before he even realizes he isn't alone anymore.

That recognition comes in the form of a low growl and he shakes her hand from his.

"Castle, its fine, it's me. Just me," she says, her hands held high enough he sees she's not touching him, not moving to touch him.

"Kate, what? What are you doing here," he finally asks after his breathing returns to a more natural rhythm. "I thought I said that…"

"Yes, Castle I know what you said. I know...Why, Castle? After all of this…" her throat closes up before she can finish her sentence. She promised herself that this wouldn't be the first thing she said to him, the first conversation she had with him in more than a month. But she needed those answers. She needed him. "I've spoken with Alexis and Martha; they say you don't want them here. You don't want me here?"

He doesn't answer her, refocuses his gaze on the window, the complete opposite side of where she is standing.

"Please, Castle…Just look at me. Please?"

The tears he can hear in her voice cause him to turn to her.

He finally looks at her, can see what this month has done to her. "Kate," he says simply and she finally lets it go.

All of the tears she hasn't allowed herself to cry since he's been gone finally surface. She's reaching for him, while he's pulling her to him. She slides her hip onto the bed, the heat from his thighs brushing her hip. Their upper bodies flush, her head resting on his shoulder, face hidden against his neck. He can feel her tears there, dampening the collar of the hospital gown he's wearing.

He continues rubbing her back, soft circles, soothing her until the tears subside.

"Kate, look at me."

She does. Pulls away from him slowly, want's to savor every moment of his arms around her.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: They aren't mine.

A/N: I want to say thank for the reviews on the last chapter I really appreciate them. I can't believe all the follows, so thank you to the people who are following! I wasn't really expecting anyone to be interested in my little story, I hope you like this chapter too.

* * *

He doesn't understand why she isn't disgusted by his presence. He doesn't even want to be in his own skin.

"Kate," he says again when he can look in her eyes. He doesn't want to tell her, confessing to the FBI was one thing, saying those horrible things to Kate are something entirely different. He assumed she was told yesterday, her actions make him think that he is mistaken.

"I asked you to stay away along with Alexis and mother…I've done something…Something completely unforgivable. I can't and won't put any of you through the hell that's about to begin. You aren't going to want to be around me when I tell you."

He can't read her expression and he doesn't know if it is a good or bad thing. He's prayed he wouldn't have to see her crumble with what he is about to tell her.

"Castle, that's why I am here, I wanted to be the one to tell you,"

"So you know already, did they send you to place me under arrest? Do they think it will make it easier, Kate? It's fine I plan on complying with them," he interrupts her.

"No, Castle, that's not it at all. I'm here to tell you that you have done nothing. You aren't being arrested for anything because there is nothing to be arrested for."

He doesn't comprehend what she is saying. He knows what he did…Will never not see what he did, every time he closes his eyes.

"Kate, I know what I did. I was there," he starts.

She doesn't let him finish. Her palms come up to cup his cheeks, thumbs brushing the bluish circles under his eyes.

"That's the thing! You weren't there, Castle. There was never anywhere for you to have been. You never left that room."

The smile he sees blooming on her face, God that smile that kept him going in the moments he was lucid enough to understand what was even happening to him, it grows and she's just fucking glowing. She's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen or wanted. He wants to crawl inside of her and live forever. She's his safe place, his home.

But he doesn't believe her.

"How can that be true, Kate?" he asks, voice full of doubt.

"It is Castle. I've got enough evidence to back me up, if you want to see it just ask. I will have equipment here in an hour if that's what you want. But I can promise you, you haven't committed any murder outside of self-defense against Tyson."

"What do you mean 'see it'?" he asks out of curiosity.

"He taped it all."

She knows as soon as it's out of her mouth that he will be taking her up on the offer.

"Show me."

True to her word she has everything he will need in his hospital room in an hour. She has Javi and Ryan bring it in and set it up. She watches Castle nod in acknowledgement of their arrival but he doesn't make any move to engage in any type of interaction them. She thanks them as they leave, knows they will be just down the hall in the waiting room, if there is any reason she may need them. They've been her rock, she's never been more grateful.

"Castle, I need to warn you, while there is nothing here to suggest that you committed any type of crime…it's not going to be easy to watch. I haven't even seen everything…the boys and a few FBI Agents did. But I…I only saw what I needed to see."

She doesn't know if she's warning him to see if he will change his mind, but she mentions it.

He doesn't waver.

"Okay. Let's just get started."

She starts up the first of the videos she fixes the timing so it's elapsed and only slows down to a more normal speed when Tyson or Neiman is in the room with him.

It's several hours later when he has finally had as much as he can stand. He's watched himself be drugged, listened as Tyson recounted his past crimes. Still not believing what he's seeing. By the timestamps on the video he's seen the first twelve days of his captivity.

These aren't his memories.

Kate was right, in the twelve days he has seen he hasn't left that room. He has barely left the bed.

But that isn't his memory of those days.

He remembers the room; he had moments of lucidity when he wasn't insane with whatever they had given him and those are the moments he let the memory of Kate come to him. But the memory of holding a man down, watching the light behind his eyes fade, felt the fight go out of his body while he choked the life out of him…That Castle remembers too. He remembers the cold of the river against his hands as he washed away the thick stickiness of blood from the blonde waitress he had abducted from a diner, all at Tyson's suggestion.

Kate watches as his mind takes him from her, he's back there…wherever he thinks he was. The same look he had on his face when she entered the room. She stops the video and says his name softly. He doesn't respond until she says it again, louder than before.

"No more tonight," he states firmly.

"Okay," she agrees, "do you believe what I said before, Castle?"

He sighs heavily, "Kate, I…I am so confused. I want to believe it. I see what is happening on that screen…but that isn't what I remember."

She can see him holding back tears and moves from the chair at his side to sit beside him again, his hand in hers.

"Tell me, Castle. Tell me what you do remember?" She wants to hear it, if he has to be haunted by what his 'memory' of that time is, she wants to bear that burden with him. She needs for him to know that he isn't alone she will be with him every step of the way.

"I can't, Kate. Not now, I just need some time."

He needs time. Okay. She will stay by him and when he's ready she will be here.

"I think I need to rest," he says pulling his hand from hers.

"You should rest, sleep and I will be right here."

"No, Kate…" he says shaking his head and he dismisses her, turning his back to her.

She wants to cry, but she doesn't want him to see that, doesn't want him to know just how he's hurting her. She's at the door when he speaks again.

"Have you spoken with mother and Alexis, told them?"

"Yes," she says simply and turns back to him, catches his eyes as he glances at her over his shoulder.

"Good…that's good," he says, lies back down and she knows to leave.

The door to his room closes softly and the tears fall again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: I don't own them.

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, especially those guest reviewers I can't message back. You guys are great. Please feel free to review and let me know what is and isn't working, especially since I don't have a beta. Enjoy!

* * *

Sending Kate away was one of the hardest things he has done. That includes the moment when she walked into that room where he was with Tyson; he fought against everything inside him not to follow through with what Tyson had tried to _program_, he guesses would be the word for it, him for.

He waits until she is gone before he begins the next video, it had been one of the reasons he had asked to stop watching…with her. He needed to try to get a grip on what was real and not real, what was actual memory and what wasn't.

He isn't sure how Tyson pulled it off, but the worst of the footage was sure to come. He wanted to be alone for that.

He didn't want to be in the same room with Kate as he watched the murder of Kelly Niemen.

* * *

Kate meets the boys in the waiting room; they haven't left in the hours that she has been with Castle, though she never doubted they would leave. She had stopped at the women's restroom before coming face to face with them. They hadn't seen her shed tears while Castle was missing, there shouldn't be a reason for them to now that she has him back. Because she has him back but not really, he isn't back. His mind is still where he was held. His memories are still holding him hostage though his body is free of that hell.

"How's he doing?" Ryan asks when he sees Beckett turning the corner to the waiting room.

She takes a deep breath, steadies herself, "Physically he is much better, he's eating and he's hydrated, they doctor came in today, before you arrived and mentioned him going home in the next couple of days."

"How'd he take the video?"

"Honestly, I don't know. He said that he is confused, that he needed to rest and that I should leave," she doesn't want to tear up again but fears that it's going to happen. She moves to sit in one of the hard plastic chairs in front of where they are seated.

"I can understand that, I mean think about it, in his mind he was doing Tysons dirty work. He has the memory of killing someone, several people to be exact," Javi says trying to explain.

"I'm aware…I just, I thought that he would want someone…me, to be there with him."

"Well, maybe there's a reason he doesn't. Maybe it isn't that he doesn't want you with him, maybe he is afraid to have you there."

Admittedly, she had never thought of that, not once in the scenarios she has played out in her mind she never imagined one where he didn't want her with him.

"It could be, I don't know. But what I do know is that he will need help, from someone."

"You mean therapy?" Ryan asks.

She nods the affirmative. "I just hope he agrees."

"Surely, he will. Give it time, Kate." Ryan says, softly patting her knee and then rises.

"Were, gonna head back into the city. We've done all we can here, already been debriefed. I assume you're staying?" Javi asks already out of his chair.

"Yeah, I'm going to take a few days. Stay until he's released."

She stands to with them, reaching out for a separate hug from both men.

"Thank you, guys. I don't know where I would be…I don't know what I would have done without the two of you this past month," it's the first time she's really taken a moment to thank them since everything began.

"Don't mention it," Javi answers, while Ryan nods agreeing with him.

After they leave she sits again, it's not late but not early either. She's afraid to leave just yet, not while it is still visiting hours, afraid that he will change his mind and want to see her.

She knows Castle isn't the only one who will be seeking therapy.

Kate found very quickly into their relationship that she would never get over him. But she needs to get over this…they need to get over this.

* * *

It's not the hospital corridors that wake her but the chirping of her cell that does. She's thankful she fell asleep in the hard plastic waiting room chair, even if it means she has to deal with the muscles in her neck protesting for the next few hours, when the voice of Castles nurse greets her

She's down the hall and through his door in seconds only to see him thrashing around in his bed, his hands batting away any of the staff that get near him.

His nurse had told her he had woken up, screaming for someone to help, but he wouldn't let anyone get close enough to him to help in any way.

"Castle," she says voice low and even. "Castle, hey it's me. It's Kate." She begins taking small steps getting closer to him. He seems to respond slowly, but he is responding, his eyes seek her out. Not completely focused but he sees her moving toward him and doesn't do anything to stop her from proceeding. She keeps talking to him, soothing him with just her voice. "It's okay. You're okay. Listen to me, Castle. You're okay."

"Kate?" he says, a little out of breath.

"Yes, it's me."

"Kate," he says, not a question this time, "Kate. Kate. Kate." He says in a softer whisper reaching for her.

She puts her hand in his, lets him pull her closer for her to stand beside the bed. He was already in a seated position when she arrived; he doesn't move to get up, instead wraps his arms around her waist, face buried against her chest.

His sobs are not quite and shake both of their bodies.

She looks around the room at the hospital staff that surrounds them, gives them the okay to leave; they very quickly do so.

She cradles him against her, one hand cupping the back of his head, the other coming down to rub small circles against his back. Eventually he calms, sobs turning to whimpers, then to calm breathing.

She's never seen him like this, she's not sure he ever has been but she's thankful Castle is letting her be here now.

"You're here," he finally says his voice strained from his earlier screams.

"I never left."

He pulls back slightly to look up at her. Her hair cascading down framing her face, the light behind her shining, making it look more golden than normal. He loved waking up to her smiling down at him, never under this type of circumstance though. His eyes roam her face, taking in everything he missed while he was away. The lines around her mouth, how he wished they were more from laughter, the circles under her eyes, darker than he had ever seen them. Still the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

She's hurting.

He won't be the cause of it anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I found out these don't mean anything...so I won't be doing disclaimers anymore.

A/N: Not really sure if anyone is still reading, I hope you are. It's been a while since there's been an update, I have had it written for a while, but I have been lacking in the confidence department so I wanted to wait until I felt better about it to post. Hope you enjoy it if you are still reading!

* * *

He has so much he wants to say to her; so much he needs to tell her about what he can piece together, what he can separate in his mind as events that had actually taken place and those that didn't. He needs her to know it just isn't the memories of hurting other people he has.

But the memory of what he told to Tyson.

"Kate, will you sit?" he asks pulling away from her even more.

"Of course," she answers and goes to pull the chair she had vacated earlier closer to the bed.

"No," and he motions to the bed.

She sits by his hip; he pulls her hands into his. Doesn't begin right away, stares at the ring on her finger. She's wearing his ring and not the one he really wants her to. But she's wearing his ring and no matter what he is getting ready to tell her will scare her away.

"So you watched…watched the tapes?" he asks her, finally speaking, eyes still downcast.

"Like I said, some of them, not all the footage, just what I needed to see. Let's not talk about that," she tells him. "What happened before, Castle? What was the dream about?"

He doesn't answer right away; she slips one of her hands from his puts it under his chin and brings his eyes to hers.

"It's me, Castle…Just tell me, please,"

"It was a dream…a nightmare, really…"

"About Tyson I assume?" she asks him quietly, afraid to speak too loudly.

"About Tyson, about Neiman…about you, all of it really," he begins, "I kept watching the footage after you left. I wanted to see something for myself…I thought it would help me remember…or forget. I can't decide actually which it would be. If it didn't happen, how do I remember it or forget it?"

She's letting him speak, letting his words flow because he's trying to work something out for himself, trying to make sense of something that he clearly wasn't meant to. At least that's what Tyson and Neiman had been hoping.

"I wanted to see how she died…how…how she was killed. Her death is more vivid than the others. I mean, the real ones and the ones that weren't real. Most of the things I remember, there's a dreamlike state to it, the memories aren't as sharp or clear. I guess that's because they weren't. But her death it was different…I guess because it actually happened. So I wanted to see if it happened the way my mind tells me," he finally states. "Did you watch it, Kate?"

She takes a deep breath, exhales slowly. She was hoping this would come later, if not at all. "I did," she says to him and watches as his face falls.

He feels the tears fill his eyes. He wants to beg her forgiveness a forgiveness he doesn't think he will be worthy of. Though he didn't do anything…physically anyway.

"Castle, it's okay," she says trying to calm him, though she can see he's already far from where she can reach him with words.

"I'm sorry…I am so sorry, Kate. Kate," and he is sobbing out, it's loud and not pretty.

She doesn't think anyone will come back in the room after his earlier outburst. But she doesn't want to bet on that. She climbs farther up the bed, pushes him back against the mattress, her arms around his neck, chest to chest. "Castle, calm down…please shhh, shhh, shhh," she says continuing to whisper nonsense in his ear until he eventually does calm, until all that is left is his hiccups of breath after the sobbing has subsided.

"It's not okay, Kate. It's not. I told him…I told him how to do that. I told him how to kill that woman. You heard it."

Yes, he told Tyson how to kill Kelly Neiman, from start to finish. It wasn't pretty. It was violent and messy and everything Tyson would have done to her anyway once she had served her purpose. He just needs convinced of that.

"Castle, listen to me, he was going to do it anyway. He was going to kill her. He had it all planned just like everything else."

That's what she had read. Tyson had planned on killing Neiman, using Castles method was almost a spur of the moment thing. He had written that he got the idea from Neiman herself, though she didn't know how her comment would change her fate. No, Neiman wasn't in the planning of her own demise. She was under the assumption that after she was no longer needed, she would leave the country, because that's the way it had been in the past. Tyson would always need her, she was safe. At least that's what Tyson wanted her to believe. Kate had read everything.

He hears her, he had already assumed that Kelly Neiman was a dead woman even when she was still breathing, she could have died any way that Tyson had planned. That's not how it went…Tyson killed her using methods hidden in the dark corners of Castle's mind.

He pulls back to look at her. He sees the tears that have escaped her eyes.

"But I had to watch it, Kate…and then…"

"Then? Then what, Rick?"

"After it was over, before he'd cleaned anything up, he told me that was how I was supposed to do it."

She already knows what he's going to tell her.

"That's how he wanted me to…kill you." He turns away, unable to look her in the eye, "What I had dreamed about earlier…that's it. It was you that he had killed…but after it was over…after…it was me standing there in his place."

She's pulling him to her again, "But you didn't. You didn't hurt me, Castle. You didn't hurt anyone and it was the drugs that Tyson and Neiman were giving you, that made you tell him what to do to when he killed Neiman. Look at me, Castle," and she leans back enough so their eyes can meet. "You didn't hurt me."

She brushes her lips over his forehead, then down lower to his lips, she can taste the salt from his shed tears there, she uses it to give to him what only she can give and really it's just her lips resting on his, but it's their first kiss in over a month.

Right now it's all he wants.


	9. Chapter 9

It's actually two days later when the doctors feel that Castle is well enough to not only leave the hospital but also travel. It takes that long before the FBI fully closes the investigation into Castle's disappearance and his involvement in the death of Jerry Tyson.

There is not going to be formal charges brought against him, though they all knew there was never any danger that there would be.

He was free to go home, free to return to the life that he was kept from.

He's still slightly weak, not yet back to being one-hundred percent.

He will be soon.

"You ready?" Kate asks, taking out her keys to open the door to the loft. She can see he's excited but there's something under that as well…not quite apprehensive but not, not apprehensive either.

"Yeah, I think so."

With his words she pushes the door open wide.

He knew there wouldn't be many changes to his living space, he had only been gone a month, but still it didn't stop him from worrying that everything would be unrecognizable. He needn't have worried. There's nothing new, there's nothing out-of-place. His eyes roam the loft and stop only when they land on his daughter, the daughter he hasn't seen in over a month, the same one he's only spoken to through Kate.

Alexis had heard them as they made their way into the loft, the keys jingling in the lock. She had hurried from behind the kitchen counter to make her way to the door. The sight of her father walking through had stopped her in her tracks. She had known she had missed him, she didn't know how much until he had entered the loft. Her hand came to cover her mouth as she let out a sob that she wasn't expecting.

"Dad," she says through tears.

"Pumpkin," he says opening his arms and taking a step toward her.

It was all she needed for her to go to him and fall into his open arms. Her tears continued, nonsense coming from her mouth. All of it boiling down to how much she had missed him, how happy she was to see him and how much she loved him.

He tries to hush her; to quite her and as the minutes passed he succeeded.

"See what happens when you and Kate aren't side by side?" she says trying to lighten the mood after her outburst.

Strangely it works. The loft fills with their laughter.

His mother is by his side before he lets Alexis go. He must have overlooked her in the rush to hold his daughter.

"Oh, my darling boy, how we've missed you so," she says, there is no flamboyant arm gestures, no grand facial expressions; she pulls her son into an embrace that rivals the hold Alexis had on him. He's missed his mother.

He had not been ready for the reception he receives from his family. For so long he had imagined they wouldn't want him back in their lives. He was ready to accept them turning their backs on him, which was before the truth came to light. Even knowing he didn't commit any crime he should be ashamed of, he held off on speaking with them or seeing them until the last-minute. Still guarding himself, if the ceiling caved in.

Here he is now though. His mother squeezing him in an embrace tighter than he's ever received from her, looking over to see Alexis doing the same to Kate. He can't make out what she is saying to Kate, but she's said something that makes Kate look up at him over Alexis' shoulder and smile.

It warms him to his soul.

She wasn't expecting this from Alexis. Granted over the past month their relationship has changed, tears come to her eyes when Alexis turns from her father only to wrap her arms around Kate.

"Thank you, Kate. Thank you for bringing him back," Alexis tells her.

"I had some help, Alexis. A lot of help really."

"Maybe…But he wouldn't be here, if it wasn't for you."

She doesn't respond just hugs the girl a fraction tighter and looks up at Castle to meet his eyes.

"Thank you, Alexis," she says pulling away.

Their relationship has been friendly for quite a while now, granted there were a few times she had felt a shift and coldness from the girl. Thankfully those times were gone and she didn't see them returning.

Their small makeshift family was complete again.

"Dinner?" Martha suggests after pulling away from her son completely. "You have to be starving, kiddo."

She led them all over to the table that was set and the food smelled amazing.

He may be but he doesn't let that stop him.

He sits with the people he loves the most in life and tries to forget about the things that never happened.

Hours later they say their good nights and he takes Kate by the hand and leads her to their bed.

She's never been one to cry during or after sex. With him it's always been different. She's cried more than once and tonight is no exception. He's tired and so is she. Him above her, arms over his shoulders around his neck, legs around his hips pulling him back to her after he withdraws from her body. Minimal space between their bodies, noses brushing, lips meeting and parting. It's slow and lazy love-making. There will be time for fire and heat later. Tonight he just wants to be with her, show her how thankful he is that she fought for him when he was ready to accept the things that weren't real.

He succeeds.

She pulls him down to her, wants his entire weight pushing her into the mattress while their heart beats return to a normal pace. All of it a reminder for both that he is here with her and nowhere else, back where he belongs.

* * *

A/N: I want to thank every one who has been reading and reviewing. I should be responding to those shortly. Life has been so busy lately.

I had originally planned for this story to draw to a close after the next chapter. However, I received a review from a guest, Chris, he said something in his review that inspired me to keep going. So, if anyone is still interested, I think there's going to be more coming and I hope you all stick with me!


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: So sorry that it's been a few weeks this chapter was a bit of a pain! But that being said, I'm glad it's done. I really appreciate the reviews on the last chapter. Originally, I had planned to end it much sooner, but a reviewer changed my mind. Chris, if you're still reading I've decided to take your advice. Please forgive my mistakes, I don't have a beta. Enjoy!

* * *

He's home and things have never been better.

Until they aren't better anymore, not even close to better.

He did the therapy. They did the therapy together.

It worked. In the first few weeks it worked. They've just passed the month mark and he doesn't think it's working anymore. He doesn't think therapy is helping. He only thinks it is making things worse.

Kate is sleeping in their room, while he's in the upstairs guest room.

It's much worse.

She had told him that sleeping in the guest room was silly and unnecessary. She wanted him by her side, not on the floor above her.

He wouldn't hear her out. He had already caved into her wants; he preferred to be at a hotel. Being under the same roof he still worries about what can happen.

Can't forget about what did happen.

She's lying in their bed. Their bed, it is their bed and she is here alone.

It wasn't his fault. None of it was his fault but she and Burke are getting nowhere in convincing him of that.

Nothing happened to her anyway. He didn't hurt her. Scared her, yes, he definitely scared her. But he didn't hurt her.

Doctor Burke tried to explain that to him. Tried to explain that therapy is going to bring every feeling and emotion to the surface and they were going to work through it. He understood that there would be days when his emotions would get the better of him. Days when he would feel what happened to him more than others.

It wasn't an excuse for his actions.

He had woken up, that's the only thing he was thankful for. He had woken up and things hadn't escalated beyond his control. Which is what he was afraid of, that one time he would go too far, not be able to stop himself, much like he had worried about from the beginning.

He wakes to palm on his cheek, her soft voice whispering his name.

"Castle, wake up. It's okay. Wake up, just a nightmare okay," she tells him repeatedly.

He pushes himself off of his pillow, sitting straight up in the bed.

"Kate, what…What are you doing here? You shouldn't be in here," he answers her back. His voice just as harsh as he means it to be, he didn't want her here when he wasn't in control. That's how he thought of it. He wasn't in control if he wasn't awake.

"Alexis. She heard you screaming and she came to get me. You were screaming pretty loudly, Castle."

He looks to the doorway and sees his grown daughter watching the scene play out. He doesn't want her to see him like this. He doesn't want her to see this side of him.

"Alexis, it's okay. Please, go on back to bed," he tells her and she does. She leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.

He knows there were tears in her eyes; he doesn't like knowing that he put them there.

"I was screaming?"

"Yeah, you were. You were screaming 'no' and 'stop' over and over."

"It was just a dream, Kate. Just a dream, I'm okay now."

"Castle, you…you were crying. I'm not going anywhere."

"Kate, I told you I'm okay, I'm awake. Go on. Go back to bed, I'll be fine," yes, he's being cold. He's being an ass you could say, he would say that much. He didn't want her anywhere near him while he was still trying to calm himself down.

After all minutes ago he was watching Tyson take her life, listening to Tyson saying he would just have to finish the job himself.

Though he knows Tyson isn't here to finish it, like he threatens in the dream, he still fears the hold Tyson has on him, on his subconscious. He does things now, in his sleep. More than the screaming and yelling, he does things like try to protect her, he does things like try to hurt her. Hurting Kate is what he did to drive him to the guest room.

He doesn't thing the guest room is far enough away anymore.

* * *

She wakes in the morning to him shuffling around in the kitchen; she smells the coffee he's making for her and her mouth waters. He smiles at her when she reaches the kitchen counter. She looks well rested despite his outburst in the middle of the night, the robe she wears covering one of his t-shirts and a pair of yoga pants. He smiles at her like nothing is out of the ordinary, like they don't sleep in separate rooms, like he didn't wake the entire house in the middle of the night screaming. He hands her a cup filled with coffee, flavored with what he knows is her favorite.

"Thank you," she says with a smile, her voice still thick with sleep.

"You're welcome," he returns.

"Castle, have you thought about calling Dr. Burke, see if he can fit you in?" she asked him softly.

"Kate...I think, no. No, I haven't called him."

"Maybe it would be a good idea if you did. I know you just had an appointment yesterday, but maybe while last night is still fresh,"

"Okay," he says interrupting her, "Okay, I'll call him. Try to get in to see him today."

"Good, good. I'm going to get ready for work," she stands and places a soft kiss on his lips.

He can hear the shower shut off from where he stands in the closet, picking out the clothes he will wear for the day. He can smell her body wash wafting in from the bathroom when the door opens.

He moves from the closet, clothes in hand, sits on the bed does what he does best, watches her.

He watches Kate become Beckett, listens to her as she rambles on, talks about what they should do for dinner, what movie they should watch on Saturday night. Normal. Normal things they've done for two years now. Normal feels good, even though he still feels so far from normal.

"Did you make an appointment?" she asks him as she sits next to him at the foot of the bed putting her boots on.

"I did," and he gives no further information.

She moves to stand in front of him, drapes her arms over his shoulders.

He hasn't been going to the precinct, until two weeks ago Kate had been on leave. Dr. Burke had asked that he refrain from going to the precinct, for now.

"I miss you, you know."

He knows what that means. She misses him by her side at work; she misses him here by her side at night.

"I know, I miss you too…but, Kate…"

"Castle…"

"You're going to be late," he cuts her off.

She nods and bends to kiss him goodbye.

"I love you," he says as she's walking out of their room.

"I love you, too," she says, small smile on her lips.

Because he may not be by her side at work or at night, at least for now, but he loves her and she loves him and that's all she needs to know.

* * *

It's late. Late. She didn't expect the break on the case that came after seven o'clock. But it did and she's just walking through the door after midnight.

The loft is quite, there's a soft light coming from the kitchen.

She doesn't call out his name, doesn't want to startle him. She doesn't find him in the guest bedroom and it fills her with hope. Hope that maybe, he is making some progress. Makes her way to their bedroom.

She doesn't find him there.

And just like that, he's gone again.


End file.
